Shame and Regret
by ZerglingBait
Summary: Obi-Wan treks through Tatooine to clear his mind, but his recent experiences in the Clone Wars fill him with sadness...


**Shame and Regret**

It unnerved Obi-Wan with the fact that he is now living in the barren desert of Tatooine. Yes, it is now his mission to watch over the infant Luke Skywalker – recently born son of Anakin Skywalker. But the thought of being a silent guardian for him was more unnerving. All in a matter of a few days, Kenobi had witnessed his former apprentice and best friend turn from a Jedi Knight to a Sith apprentice of the Dark Lord himself. Even while sitting on his eopie as it trekked through sand, he couldn't think clearly as he used to…

_…Sigh...I don't understand why I'm going out of my own way to watch over Anakin's son. For all I know, he might as well be another prey for the dark side to take hold of! Like father, like son…_

The memories of witnessing Anakin transition from a comrade to an enemy sunk in, as they flowed in his peripheral vision like going through a dark tunnel and out into the light…

_It was sunset on the metropolitan planet of Coruscant, as Kenobi and Skywalker were both ready to be briefed on protecting Senator Padme Amidala's life after recent reports of assassins targeting her head. It wasn't just meeting new allies, but also a reunion of friends._

_"You seem a little on edge."_

_ "Not at all."_

_ "I haven't felt you this tense since we fell into that nest of Gundarks."_

_ "You fell into that nightmare, Master, and I rescued you, remember?"_

_ "Oh. Yes." The Jedi Knight and Padawan chuckled. While Kenobi was putting up with Skywalker's brash and fiery passion, he still cannot let that cloud the fact that his own apprentice still maintained the qualities he possessed a decade earlier: he's compassionate and would go out of his way to protect those he cares about. _

_ After many battles of fighting in the Clone Wars, Anakin has proven to be a capable Jedi Knight, General and hero of the Republic. At this point, he and Kenobi aren't just Master and apprentice. They're now brothers in arms…_

"_Sending us on a reconnaissance mission – this doesn't feel right."  
"Don't look at it that way, Master. Think of it as reconnaissance in force."_

"_Your favorite. Hahaha…" Both Anakin and Obi-Wan used to laugh and joke around with each other, even as the reports and presence of war remained omnipresent in their lives. _

_ Yes, we had our laughs, even as a master and apprentice. I even said to him on the day of his Knighting ceremony that it was time we abandoned our roles as Master and Padawan and became brothers. But now just the thought of never seeing that smile on his face or hearing his voice again – it only reminds me that he was my biggest failure. Or perhaps, Qui-Gon's biggest failure. But he isn't to blame. I took on that promise: to raise him, to train him, to protect him. But I couldn't do that…_

The memories leading up to the destruction of the Jedi Order, the tragic fall of Anakin, and all the people killed by him were so prominently implanted into his vision, it seemed to take away the previously positive experiences with Anakin…

_ It was horrifying enough that Obi-Wan had seen the Jedi Temple in flames with a trail of smoke emanating from the heart of the temple, but at the core of himself, it was even more so that moment he entered the security room with Master Yoda. He knew he had to figure out who was behind the attack on the temple, but he didn't expect it to be him…_

_ "Wait, Master. There's something I must know." Kenobi walked towards the hologram, both eager and not so eager to witness the recordings of his fellow Jedi comrades being gunned and cut down._

_ "If into the security recordings you go, only pain will you find." _

_ "I must know the truth, Master." He knew Yoda's words were true – as always – but Obi-Wan had to find out. As he sped up the hologram to the previous day, there he saw it: Anakin Skywalker holding a Jedi Padawan by the throat with his left hand, and still fighting Jedi battlemaster Cin Drallig one-handed with his lightsaber in his right cybernetic hand. The sounds of lightsabers clashing pained Yoda, but it hurt more to Obi-Wan just watching it. "It can't be… it can't be!" But then a raspy, purely evil voice rang out…_

_ "You have done well, my new apprentice. Now Lord Vader, go and bring peace to the Empire." Knowing that Anakin had made his deal with the darkness, he shut it off, trying to suck in the reality._

_ "Destroy the Sith, we must," Yoda declared. Cutting down the Sith in battle would bring balance to the Force, but that would mean…_

_ "Send me to kill the Emperor," Obi-Wan protested, "I will not kill Anakin."_

_ "To fight this Lord Sidious, strong enough you are not," Yoda refuted._

_ "He's like my brother, I cannot do it."_

_ "Twisted by the dark side, young Skywalker has become. The boy you trained, gone he is. Consumed by Darth Vader." As hard as it was for Obi-Wan to fully believe that, just watching the hologram validated that fact._

_ "I do not know where the Emperor has sent him. I don't know where to look." The last time he saw Anakin's face was before he departed for Utapau in a crucial battle against General Grievous._

_ "Use your feelings, Obi-Wan, then find him you will." Even as the tiny Jedi Master walked off to fight off Darth Sidious, Obi-Wan knew he had to fight his brother and best friend. Perhaps, if there was a confrontation, he probably didn't need to kill him, but reason with him…_

_ But I couldn't._

_ The only thing he focused on as he confronted Anakin was that angry expression – so filled with hate and anger, but also at the same time, it was as if he had _every _right to be angry at him. _

_ "I have failed you Anakin. I have failed you."  
"I should've known the Jedi were plotting to take over!"  
"Anakin, Chancellor Palpatine is evil!"  
"From my point of view, the Jedi are evil!"  
"WELL, THEN YOU ARE LOST!" It pained him just to say that to his best friend. One important part of the Jedi philosophy is that no one is beyond redemption, regardless of their crimes. Anakin's crime against the Jedi Order is beyond describing with words, but even during that pause in combat, as they floated over an erratic lava river on Mustafar, Obi-Wan couldn't help but feel sadness saying that Anakin was beyond redemption. But he still had to do what he had to do…_

_ He ended up cutting Anakin and leaving him on the volcanic, sandy river shores, maimed and in agony. The only limb Skywalker had was his cybernetic arm, barely able to cling on, as he slowly slipped into the lava river. Just watching Anakin slip caused Obi-Wan's eyes to water and chest to heave.  
"You were the Chosen One! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them! Bring balance to the Force, not leave it in darkness!" Obi-Wan was crushed beyond belief; he couldn't fulfill Qui-Gon's dying wish…_

_ "I HATE YOU!" Anakin shouted. Another hurtful thing for Obi-Wan to hear. Tears streamed down his face, but didn't flow down from his eyes that far due to the surrounding volcanic heat. Obi-Wan had never heard such things before in his life. Not even from his greatest student and friend…_

_ "You were my brother, Anakin! I loved you…" That was the last thing Obi-Wan could say to Anakin – the Anakin he knew. He knew he was speaking to Vader, but it was true: the good man who was Anakin was destroyed and – as Yoda said back at the Temple –_ _"consumed by Darth Vader." But physically so, when he noticed a fiery light consuming Anakin, as he was engulfed in flames. It broke Obi-Wan's heart to witness the last remaining memories of his friend covered in fire; the last thing left to do was leave…_

Obi-Wan, still sitting on the eopie, felt that same sadness that day on Mustafar resonate in the present. His chest heaving again, eyes starting to water again, he tried to brush that off, but he knew he couldn't. He gazed off into the setting twin suns, as he crossed the Dune Sea. He figured a long trek through the far stretch of sand would clear his mind, but obviously it's not working.

Suddenly, his eopie started to whine and wobble. As Obi-Wan wobbled and fell of his eopie, it couldn't maintain its balance and fell. Now that it's motionless, Obi-Wan had no choice left but to walk the rest of the way back to the Jundland Wastes. For a normal human, it would kill him; but with the Force on his side, Obi-Wan can draw on it for strength and endurance to walk back. As Obi-Wan continued his walk back, his internal turmoil continued…

_ …Sigh…If only Satine…or Siri Tachi were still here…_

_ But they weren't. They, like Padme and many other fallen comrades, were dead. Indirectly, Obi-Wan was partly responsible._

_ Maybe it's best if I'm not a Jedi anymore. That way I'm allowed to feel. For once. But I couldn't as a Jedi. _

_ He couldn't remember much of Siri Tachi. Yes, they were students of the Jedi Order and old friends. But they also had feelings for each other. They were separated for a long time. Siri was busy training new Padawans and younglings into the Order, while Obi-Wan was training Anakin and going out on missions with him. They were only reunited once during the Clone Wars. But after a short reunion, an assassin had killed her. It broke his heart that she died; it drove him to rage to want to take revenge. But he knew that would be dishonoring Qui-Gon and making the same mistake he nearly made…_

_ But his oldest friend and lover was Satine Kryze. He could remember it all: travelling and protecting her while on Mandalore, only as a Padawan… protecting her during the Wars…_

_ Senator Tal Merrik had recently admitted his alliance with Death Watch, who branded Satine as their primary target. He had held her hostage and was planning to leave the _Coronet_ with her so that she may die by Mandalorian militant and leader of Death Watch, Pre Vizsla._

_ "…Obi-Wan, it looks I may never see you again.__I don't know quite how to say this, but I've loved you from the moment you came to my aid, all those years ago._"

_"Satine, this is hardly the time or place for – " Obi-Wan, at the time, knew he was focused on getting Satine out of that predicament, but as soon as he saw Satine's saddening eyes, he dropped his guard and was vulnerable. Once at the time. "Alright. Had you said the word, I would've left the Jedi Order for you…."_

_ But the recent memories of Satine are what saddened him more and made it clear that Satine wouldn't reappear. Ever again…_

_ He didn't see Satine again until after Death Watch had taken over Mandalore. After he received Satine's transmission for a desperate rescue, he infiltrated the capital of Sundari, into the prisons. Dressed up in a scarlett Mandalorian super commando armor set, he treaded through cyan crystal doors until he saw a figure in messy blonde hair and a blue dress, sitting on her knees._

_As he opened the door, she asked with silent anger and disappointment, "Here to do more of your Master's bidding?"_

_He pulled off his helmet and replied, "I do my own bidding."_

"_Obi-Wan!" Satine's expression lightened up; she quickly rose and gave Obi-Wan an affectionate hug. It felt a bit awkward for Obi-Wan but he accepted; he even felt better to know Satine was fine after they separated. "Are you alone?"_

"_Yes. The Jedi Council and Galactic Senate will be of no help to us here." As they snuck back through the elevator and onto a speeder, they were just recently caught by Mandalorian super commandos. They were on Obi-Wan and Satine's tail as they sped back into the freighter, the _Twilight._ Obi-Wan activated the guns to hold them off; while the firefight outside was happening, he activated the ship's engines to leave. Just as it was about to leave, the ship suddenly rocked violently as rockets had impacted the ship, causing it to spin out of control. Both Obi-Wan and Satine were forced out of the ship, as it exploded. A piece of heavy debris had landed on Satine. Obi-Wan quickly used the Force to lift it off her._

_As Obi-Wan's eyes opened, he witnessed a familiar figure walking menacingly towards him. It was Darth Maul, his brother Savage Opress, and a squad of Mandalorians guarding them. "No, it can't be." He was the one responsible for aiding Death Watch in taking over Mandalore, but in return, Maul had viciously murdered Vizsla after an honor duel. _

_Obi-Wan activated his lightsaber, but at the same time, Maul had telekinetically grasped him by the throat, pulled him, and gripped him by the throat with his hand. "We meet again, Kenobi. Welcome to my world!" He threw Obi-Wan into his commandos to take him and Satine into the Sundari Royal Palace._

_In the palace, Satine was being held hostage on the throne, with Obi-Wan at the steps of the throne. "Your noble flaw is a weakness shared by you and your duchess." He telekinetically gripped Satine by the throat. Even as Obi-Wan was about to rush to Satine, the commandos at his side held him by the shoulders to prevent his advance. It was eating away at Obi-Wan to watch Satine choke as she was being lifted off the ground, and he can't do anything about it._

"_You should've chosen the dark side, Master Jedi. Your emotions betray you: your fear, and – yes – your anger! Let your anger deepen your hatred!"_

"_Don't listen to him, Obi!" Satine cried out. Maul was tempting him to join the dark side, but Satine is his additional support. _

"_You can kill me," Obi-Wan declared, "but you'll never destroy me. It takes strength to resist the dark side. Only the weak embrace it."_

"_It is more powerful than you know," Maul countered._

"_And those who oppose it are more powerful than you'll ever be," Obi-Wan said in pity. There was something he knew about Maul that not even Yoda would know about him. He continued in empathy, "I know where you're from. I've been to your village. I know the decision to join the dark side wasn't yours. The Nightsisters made you – "_

"_SILENCE!" Maul screamed in rage and denial. "You think you know me? It was I who languished for years, thinking of nothing but you! Nothing but this moment!" Maul clearly wanted this to happen to Obi-Wan after over twelve years of living in exile, rage and pain after being cut down by Obi-Wan on Naboo. He even remembered his previous words… I am surprised that you could've forgotten me, after I killed your Master and you left me for dead on Naboo. You may have forgotten me, but I will never forget you…. That day above Raydonia, Maul wanted pure revenge on Obi-Wan. After he narrowly escaped, Maul continued his vendetta trying to hunt him down._

"_And now, the perfect tool for my vengeance is in front of us. I never planned on killing you, but I will make you share my pain, Kenobi." Satine was almost at her last breath. And she was about to die at Maul's hands. Obi-Wan tried to go to Satine, but he was on his knees and clobbered in the head with a rifle to back down. Maul pulled out a black-bladed lightsaber – the Darksaber – that he won from Vizsla. He sneered, pulled Satine telekinetically to him and stabbed her in the gut. _

_Satine cried out in pain. Obi-Wan widened his eyes in shock and pain. As Satine fell with a smoke trail emanating from her stab wound, the Jedi Master rushed to hold her in his arms. _

_This was it. Another woman he loves in his life is dead. Both exchanged saddened expressions on their faces, with Maul watching from his throne, savoring the pain his prey was feeling. _

_Satine's eyes started to close, but she uttered, "Remember… my dear Obi-Wan…" She placed a hand on his face affectionately. "…I've loved you always…I always will…" Then her eyes closed, and her figure slumped. _

_Obi-Wan was profoundly affected by these words. He loved her too, but he never got to say it to her. He heard Maul utter his commands to his commandos, feeling more pity for Maul._

"_Imprison him below. Let him drown in his misery. Take him to his cell to rot." As Obi-Wan was being taken to prison, all he could think about was Satine. But a ragtag group of Mandalorians loyal to Vizsla helped him escape captivity and escape the planet as civil war raged in Sundari…_

Night had fallen on the sands of Tatooine. Obi-Wan could feel nothing but shame and regret. So much he could've done. But he couldn't because of his undying loyalty to the Jedi. Part of him wished that if he did leave the Jedi Order, he wouldn't be feeling this pain. He let Anakin and Maul survive. He couldn't save the women in his life. As Obi-Wan walked back into his cave in the Jundland Wastes, the last thought on his mind was…

_It's time to stop being Obi-Wan Kenobi…_


End file.
